The Kid Sister of Blessed Imelda

Scripture says that the world will hate us, even as it hated Christ.  We’re told that we will suffer, not that we MIGHT, but that we WILL.  I never did, not really… until I became Catholic.

A dear friend had told me about things said to her, stories of things that had happened to other Catholics, other converts… and I believed her… was even prepared for it when I first converted.  I have since heard stories from converts themselves.

For my own experience… I had a dear friend, one who attends at an Assembly of God church tell me in a very hurt and confused tone that it seemed to her I had been blown about by the wind.  I was stunned. I had attended TWO churches in the entire time I knew her which was a period of some years.  The only reason I switched, was that we had moved from one town to another eight hours away for a 1.5 year period.  When we came back, I went back to the same church.  I had learned a lot over the years… shared some of that with her… but nothing to suggest what she said.  It didn’t really hurt… it was more sad that she couldn’t see what was clearly God leading in my life. Still, she was my friend and that didn’t change… at first. 

My Dad, serious Bible scholar and teacher that he is, was pretty stunned… but he, I think, knew me well enough to know that when  I said God didn’t give me a choice, that I meant it, that it really was God, and has seen enough spiritual growth in me since to settle any question that may have lingered after I told him about my conversion.

In fact, even in the small town and outlying area where I live and have made friends, I have not experienced any persecution or unkindness for being Catholic.  We have been treated with love and acceptance.

However, despite it all… I have experienced some very real, very intense, very vicious persecution for being Catholic in the last place I ever expected it. The homeschool community.  I participate in a homeschool forum for parents who are continuing to learn above and beyond teaching their children.  When I first began to participate, I was very intimidated. I didn’t feel I belonged at all.  Slowly, over time, I felt more at ease as I learned the particular dynamic of that forum.  Since becoming Catholic, I’ve noticed more when theology cycled around every few months (3-6) and gotten involved to try to correct some misunderstandings about Catholicism. I wasn’t the only one, though Catholics are by far the minority… it IS a protestant curriculum with protestant users for the most part.

At first, it was ok.  When things got frustrating, the threads would die and we’d have a break… books, art… something else… and then a few months later it would come up again.  Often the topics were cyclical too… we’d have to explain every time that Catholics don’t worship Mary or the Saints.  We’d have to explain the concept of Real Presence in the Eucharist.  Over and over… but that was ok… we had a break and we’d come back fresh and ready to patiently explain it again.  However, for the last few months… maybe up to six or more… we’ve had absolutely no let up in the very intense debates of Catholicism vs protestantism (usually correcting misconceptions and clarifying the RC position)… As a result, the threads get hotter, people get weary, tempers flare, feelings get hurt… and yet the threads just won’t go away… and if they do, another pops up immediately.

There have been quite a few conversions that have taken place, that ARE taking place, as a result of the discussions in that forum. It has been a great joy and privilege to get to talk to a few of those ladies… and it is worth all the suffering.  I would do it, and probably will, all over again if God should see fit to use such a broken and imperfect vessel.

That said, I have been stunned at the level of vitriol, hatred, lack of charity, arrogance, pride, selfishness, spitefulness, and any number of other unpleasant traits which have been exhibited specifically towards Catholics, and all by Christians who profess to be speaking in love, with concern for souls.  People who insist on claiming Catholics are idolatrous, that Catholics believe prayer to Mary gets them into heaven, and any number of abominations which Catholics do not believe.  It isn’t just one person, though a couple have been the very embodiment of it…. but it isn’t a great many people either… There are  many who have been kind, spoken up in defense of the Catholics and assured us that they understand and treat us like the brothers and sisters in Christ that we are. Those few, however, are enough.

It is amazing the level of charity and restraint and grace I have seen exercised and poured out by the Catholic ladies… and it is incredibly painful to be accused of idolatry and the like despite repeated explanations and corrections because people willfully choose to believe a lie.  It isn’t even about disagreeing with what we believe, it is refusing to BELIEVE us when we say what we believe because what they THINK we believe is so much easier to hate… so much easier to ignore.

In responding to someone in regards to one such gentleman, I said I was not up to the usual rebuttal of points because of extenuating circumstances in real life etc… He replied. Despite reaffirming his assertions that he believes one can be Catholic and Christian… this man wants the Holy Spirit to convict me to turn from the RCC because he feels I ’am mislead in my RC doctrines’ and am ‘misleading others as well’. He says his prayer is that God would not give me peace until I do. He completely misunderstood the feeling behind my comment, made in weakness, that I was ’so furious I was shaking’ and assumed that it was the Holy Spirit and I wasn’t listening. *sigh*

First of all, if one can be Catholic and Christian at the same time, why do I need to be convicted to turn from the RCC?  Why does he seem so adamant that I am in the wrong place believing the wrong thing? Not only that, given his admission that he has not been in LLL long and is completely unfamiliar with my story, or any of the discussions between Catholics and protestants in the past, what makes him think I am ‘misleading others as well’? Who has gone to him and claimed to have been misled or said things which would make him think so? Regardless, I’m not there to lead anybody anywhere, conviction is the Holy Spirit’s job, not mine.

Second, he says he wants God not to give me any peace until I turn from the RCC and stop misleading others.  What he doesn’t understand, is that the anger and frustration I felt was righteous anger.  Reaction to the things he was saying after some weeks of very intense spiritual attack on both myself, other Catholic friends, and one of my daughters. For someone who wants more than anything else to be right with God, someone who has held nothing back… doing my best to be obedient to God regardless of the cost to myself, there is nothing more abhorrent to me than the idea of doing something which would grieve the Lord…  to say that I am committing idolatry and worshipping Mary, among other things, when I am not,  makes everything in me rebel in outrage because my  God is a jealous God and I do NOT steal from Him.  It was the very abhorrence of that with which I was falsely accused, while sensitive from suffering MUCH for the Lord in my own life and watching my precious daughter suffer as well, which brought forth such feeling… and not for my sake alone, but for all those devout Catholics who lived and died in the Lord’s service and were so slandered with this man’s vile remarks about their gravestones and their lives. 

When I turn from the forums, from such awful accusations, and go to the Lord in prayer, I am at peace… because I am exactly where God wants me. I am in the center of God’s will for me.  My conversion experience left no room for doubt, and I would die before turning from where my Lord has placed me.  To do anything else would be to turn my back on God, and though He may slay me, yet shall I follow Him. I am sorry for that man… I will be praying for him, that God would forgive him for urging me to disobey God, knowing that he doesn’t know what he does.  I have forgiven him as well, because he truly doesn’t understand… and I’m sure, despite his offensive approach, that he really does think he is being loving and wanting the best for me and the other Catholics, and doesn’t realize how corrosive his manner is, or what he’s encouraging us to do. 

The frustration remains… but the anger is gone… as I’ve gone once again to the Lord and after venting said yet again, ‘but it is worth it all Lord, and I will suffer whatever you see fit to trust me with.’  I am at peace… that peace that passes understanding, the joy of the Lord floods me, those precious gifts which received at my confirmation which are continually renewed within me… and suffering is become my friend, because it is when I am weak, when I am suffering, that He is made great… and even there, when I am mocked, scorned, ridiculed, slandered, misunderstood… even there is a peace and a joy when I turn my face to Him, that makes it all worthwhile…

Oh Lord, forgive me for my struggles.  Help me to embrace the altar completely. Help me oh Lord to give up even this, even this righteous frustration and anger. Let even that portion of me die, that you might be more purely seen in me.

I posted a while back about winter… in retrospect, I’m wondering if desert wouldn’t have been the better analogy, especially considering the different nature of this ‘winter’.  SO, we’ll call it a desert. 

As I said, this time has been difficult as such times usually are but growth continues which is an unexpected joy.  It has been a time of understanding why God exhorted us in the Sacred Scriptures to not become weary of doing good.  It has been a time of understanding that there are times when a stubborn nature is a virtue because it enables you to set your teeth and plow on.  I had done, and was still doing, that when the time came to leave for the trip to Minnesota. At the rate things were going, I was torn.  I wanted to meet these friends, and see the old ones, but I could just see it going badly.  (Desert remember?)  I stifled that doubting Thomas voice and stepped out in faith.  So it was quite the surprise when God just blessed my socks clean off, even though it shouldn’t have been.

Wrapped in the paper and ribbons of friends, visiting, playing, etc were understanding, spiritual blessings, affirmations, encouragement, challenges… food for the journey, water for my well… and I came home renewed and ready to tackle with enthusiasm all those issues which I was just plowing through with my head down and my teeth clenched.  God delights in giving us grace and blessing, often when we least expect it, and delights in using OTHERS to show us glimpses of Himself and His love for us, while simultaneously showing us His delight and joy in those whom He is using. He rejoices in His servants! What JOY there is when faith empties itself in works, as surely as God pours Himself out for us and nurtures us through His creation.  What LOVE when those who seek Him first fellowship together.  What SWEETNESS when one puts their head down to shield their face from the blowing sands in order to better plow ahead in the path of the Savior, only to have Him turn after a time to lift the chin and show them the waters of the Oasis and remind them to laugh for the simple joy that the water of life brings.

 I am learning to love the desert. Learning that the Oasis is sweeter when it is surrounded by the heat and sand. Learning that following the Lord is precious even in the midst of pain, frustration, and despair and that He is worth it all. I praise Him for this Oasis… but I also praise Him for the desert which made it all the more refreshing.

It is a beautiful day outside, warm and sunny, the trees are green, flowers bursting into bloom (it DOES that in July in Illinois!), squirrels running just out of reach to sit and nibble on nuts of various kinds, butterflies taking wing on the breezes… and yet it is winter here again. 

 I knew it was coming… just too much going on spiritually both in and around me for it to be as summery inside as it is out for very long.  Truth be told, this winter was longer in coming than usual… and more severe for the delay.  Everywhere I look, the detritus of battle shows I am far from the victor… and yet the war is not lost.  The silence and darkness are deafening, the corpses of my failures surround me in their overpowering stench, and I slump weary and broken, crusted in the barnacles of my sin, and yet I know that God is, even in the darkness… Corrie Ten Boom once said God is so close you can only see His shadow… and here in this dark and barren wasteland I find that sometimes God is so close, and the darkness so vast, that even the shadow is unseen… or even more comforting, the thought comes that I am simply hidden too deeply in His shadow to see the light that illuminates its edges.

So here in the dark, I whisper to Him who stands so close and yet so silent.  I whisper of the sorrow I still find in failure. I whisper of the pride that makes my failures chaff so.  I whisper of the certainty I have that He is with me, even though I can not see or hear or feel or sense.  I whisper of my determination to follow, and my willingness to cling to His hem and be drug in the dust when I can walk no longer.  I whisper the offering of all these failures, that in them He may be strong.  I whisper of determination to continue the sacrificial life, and ask Him to lash me all the more firmly to this altar I’m on, lest in my weakness I manage to squirm over the edge and away.  I whisper prayers for those whom I love, for those whom I dislike, for those who have left me bereft of any feeling at all… and when the despair becomes too great, the whispers cease and the silent cry of agony communicates to Him who is unseen all that I can not put into words. 

However, there is growth, even in winter.  I am learning so much… in an odd way, this winter is as spiritually active as the Spring and Summer which preceeded it albeit in a more painful way.  The unexpected joy however has been discovering that just as God was present in the gentle breeze, He is present even in His absence.